Obviously I've been working on a series of these post for a while - its now end of February 2015 and I started it in December. It needed to be right though, so sometimes its worth the wait.
The last time I can remember feeling this anxious was back in 2011 when I was getting ready to make my trip out here to San Diego. I woke up that morning, kissed my parents goodbye, and sat in my driveway for 10 minutes before I turned on the ignition. Just breathing...and breathing...panicking.... and wondering if I should run in for one last round of hugs. I love hugs.
I was terrified, out of my mind terrified. If it wasn't for the fact that I knew I was driving to pick up my brother to make the cross country trip with me, I think I would have turned around by Connecticut and tried again tomorrow. Only knowing a single person where your going is gawd damn scary and saying goodbye to loved friends and family is the worst, especially when you've been through a rough year that they helped pull you out of alive kicking and screaming. Sure I lived in New York City for years prior but that was close harbor, the 4 hour bus trip was still unbearable (hometown buffet anyone?) and people actually came to visit (which reminds me....hello! I live in the land of sunshine now. Take advantage of that!)
So in a promiscuous soft southern target-lady voice, I said "well let's get this show on the road sugah." I was off, teary-eyed and slow as molasses with a car so full my tires were 2 inches from the ground, but I had at least started the journey.
To keep my mind busy, I popped in the "California Dreamin' - Volume 1" (out of 3) mix my sister made for me. The girls got some pretty friggin' accurate emotional timing on this playlist. All party in the front to keep me excited and motivated - I'm talkin 'Party in the USA' and my early 90's hip hop favorites like "Good Vibrations" (Marky Mark) and "My Pony" by Genuine. But, riggggght as I take the exit get to my brother....drop mic, tissues out, sunglasses on - you ratchet ass sister (said with love). "My Wish" comes on and I'm bawling my eyes out. I don't even like country!! Why did you do this to me Julie?!?! How eMMBAR-ASSINnggggg
That damn fluzzy knew what she was doing. There was just something so perfect about that song at that time, I mean not for my brother who had to deal with my emotional ass, but because it sparked a whole new feeling into me that I knew only my close family and friends would understand.
If your not familiar, it is a pretty sweet song lyrically and I felt like my sister was there cheering me on. I've always been happy to be a go-getter and always chasin' down the dream. I swear I watch too many movies and get myself lost in so much music I dream up 15 different lives I should be living. It's not entirely impossible, everyone needs a reset button every once a while. A time to reconnect with yourself, set new goals or modify others, put you on track to be the best you. But I think she just really knew that I felt like I was meant for something greater...I assume nothing to Beyonce's status. You do not steppp to the Queen B...mmmkay?
Cut to 3 years of endless summer in Pacific Beach memories later, some reckless beach bum living, and celebrating everyday like its Friday, I'm back where I started. As Timmy from my all time favorite film, award winning and critically acclaimed Jurassic Park, would say, "We're back....In the car again". This time, I'm not sure what the next step is and where I'll feel like I truly found the place where I see my life unfolding - LA? London? Portland? Still here in San Diego? With nothing holding me back, the possibilities are endless. But I do know I'm I'm not the girl sitting with the keys dangling ready to head back inside and call the whole thing off. I have conquered this baby twice, I can do it again! My dad would remind me..."let us off and be doing, with the heart of any fate...".
So until that update, each week, I want to post lessons I've learned over the years that help me keep things in perspective and remind me its important to work on what you CAN improve to increase the quality of your happiness.
Life's Lessons:
Well, whatever you take, I hope it makes you as happy as you were the other day teaching those kids. - Parenthood
Since I was a kid, music and film have been a big part of my imagination. Let's just say the day my parents took me to Strawberries and I got the St. Elmo's Fire soundtrack to hear David Fosters theme song, I cried like a baby....to a saxophone solo. I know! I KNOW!...I have to live with that! My friends and I used to pretend King Kong was coming over our neighbors hills to attack the house. We used to re-enact the famous kitchen scene from Jurassic Park and recite the scene line by line. I've been taping the Grammy's and the Oscars for almost 25 years, watching some of my favorite actors and singers grow up and evolve - its a huge part of me.
I still need to see movies on opening weekend so I like it for myself, I still pretend I'm a guest on the Tonight Show while in the shower and yes Jimmy I will play a game with you, and I still find soundtracks the best way to focus while I'm at work (Lost, The Dark Knight, Hanz Zimmer - try it!). And truthfully, I still think I'm meant to do something big. There I said it. I think me and Mindy Kaling could conquer the world together (even though she's doing so on her own).
It's funny, even as a I get older, I realize I haven't entirely let those dreams go. Over Christmas, my dad said to me while we sat waiting for our dinner order..."I don't know...I feel like you and your brother are always chasing something...and whatever it is, I hope you find it". It's the first time I heard that out loud from someone else...and he's right. I've always wondered what I am doing in my jobs, wondering if I should be so crazy as to just pick up and get out there. But as I get older, those dreams feel harder to reach and sadly could be just my imagination...running away from me.
Truthfully, I don't know if I'll ever be fulfilled till I feel that moment where it just feels right. And maybe its not where I expect or how I imagined, but I hope to feel this soon and I hope I don't settle till I find it - that goes for you too.
